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Starbound Replay Review

If you’re not into PC gaming or have been under a rock lately, Starbound was a  pre-release game with a lot of promises and a whole lot not much else that recently got its first update in nearly a year. So I booted steam up for the first time in nearly two or three months and downloaded that baby to give it another shot. Here is my opinion.

Uuuuggggghhhhhhh.

This game has gone no where, there is just more of it lurking in the fucking background.

I have about 104 hours on record, the vast majority in the “beta” (read: alpha) and maybe about 2 hours in the “release” (read: beta). This game is really, really fucking boring. I mean completely dreary and pointless.

Oh but Nick, you’ve only gotten two hours in and you’re just running around collecti-

Just… just stop. I’m two hours into a new character and I’m FUCKING BORED. What more do you want? This is the part of the game that is supposed to be the most interesting. You know, the beginning, when they are supposed to get you hooked.

Your fucking multitool is slow as shit, the weapons seem impotent compared to monsters in the starting area, I’m lucky to have found a 50 dps weapon and it still sucks because the monsters do like 30 to 40 out of the gate and knowing the randomness of the beta, my sword is literally a sword of destiny, ne’er to be found again.

Combat is boring. Mining is boring and unvaried. Monsters have stupid drops. Everything is a fucking fetch quest. Find this, find that, mine this, rub these two things together. No. No I don’t want to sit around and fucking re-invent the wheel. Want to build a crafting table? 35 planks. Need 35 planks? Get 12 wood. Need 12 wood? Chop down two trees. Need to chop down two trees? Hover your mouse at their base for nearly thirty fucking seconds each.

It is tedious in its tediousness.

I’ve seen all sorts of “sweet” stuff to be eventually unlock, but if it is anything like the previous incarnation I don’t want to unlock it. I spent 100 hours adventuring from planet to planet with exactly zero interesting stuff happening. With zero progression. With zero anything. Bosses were stupid and easily broken by me, the least capable gamer ever. Monsters are easily destroyed by finding a similar “weapon of destiny” and just using that until you can find another, more powerful one.

I get that this is the sort of game that you get what you put into it, but everything is too rare and takes too damn fucking long to gather to be fun. And that’s what I’m here for: fun. And Starbound isn’t fun. It is a shovel to the face of mind-numbing stupidity. No sweeping vistas like Minecraft. No fast-paced growth and bosses like Terraria. No epic space battles like FTL.

Just digging a hole big enough to throw my life away into it. Cover it up and stick a gravestone over it.